That Smith

Chances are, whether you admit it or not, you are probably on Facebook. What has even better odds is that you will probably have a birthday sometime in the next year. One thing I can almost guarantee however is that you won’t be getting a birthday wish from me anytime soon. You can thank Facebook for that.

Call me old fashioned if you want, but I am one of those people who are really good at remembering dates. That means if you are one of my friends (not just an acquaintance that someone adds as a friend so they look cool) then I probably already know it’s your birthday. What pisses me off though is that thanks to Facebook’s little reminders, 15 gazillion people (most of whom you probably haven’t even seen or talked to in like 20 years) have already written on your wall to say Happy Birthday.

Should I try to sneak my birthday wishes in there and be number 15 gazillion and one? You will probably think I forgot until I received that other message from Facebook saying so-and-so-who-you-met-last-weekend-at-a-party-and-don’t-even-know-other-than-that wrote on your wall. I wouldn’t want you to think the only reason I said Happy Birthday is because everyone else did. Stupid Facebook. I’ll just wait til next year.

What ever happened to sending birthday cards, or actually calling the person? I’m thinking about entirely removing my birthday from my profile so I can see who actually remembers my birthday. I saw someone do that once, but it turned out it wasn’t really her birthday. One person saw that someone else wrote happy birthday on her wall so he decided he’d better say happy birthday too so she wouldn’t think he was a bad friend. That started a chain reaction and by the end of the day 20 people or so said happy birthday to her. It was absolute chaos. I’m sure others rushed to the store to buy cards or cake and probably spent like $15.

If you’re like me, and hate looking like you are stupid and that you only said happy birthday because someone else reminded you, then here’s what I suggest. Get on Facebook and change your birthday to 2 or 3 days from now. That will make it show up on everyone’s news feed that your birthday is coming up, and will make them sit up in anticipation so they can try to be the first and coolest friend that tells you happy birthday. Then shortly before midnight of that day, change your birthday again by another 2 or 3 days. This way, to them at least, your birthday never comes and no one would be tempted to say happy birthday when it is not yet your birthday. That would just be foolish. This will also make it so your true friends (the people like me that actually remembered your birthday unless you are my wife) won’t have to feel like they’re a loser because it looks like Facebook and 15 gazillion other people reminded them of your birthday.

Maybe stupid people will send you presents too, I don’t know. What I do know is that you won’t see me wishing you a happy birthday anytime soon. Unless you invite me to your birthday party. If that’s the case, then you better have a piñata too.

Photo: Bright Meadow